maturing

[3/22/2025 - 3/25/25]]

um...

life got. strange... compared to the last time we talked. a lot has happened.

ugh... pulls at my hair. life got... so fucking good.

it feels good but something about it all feels so wrong.

i always end up asking myself, is this what being in your 20s is all about? because i struggle with it all. it's so exciting, electrifying.

i saw myself in the mirror the other day and i saw a fully matured woman, and it didn't scare me. i flexed at myself and saw my armpit hair, and i still got those butterflies in my stomach after seeing myself. and then i looked down to check myself, and saw my manly features from the dick and balls down. i love it all.

when i was a kid and i would imagine myself in reader x harry styles scenarios, i'd replace myself with a white girl with straight dirty blonde hair. a girl that didn't look like me at all. it makes me sad when i think about it now because these days there are girls on instagram who tell me they want me to leg lock them until they can't breathe anymore. dude one time i recorded a video of myself playing with my tummy for my cow gf and i gave myself a boner. anyways.

so um...theres been somethin g heavy on my mind lately chat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

him

the guy

im done calling him fine shyt it's kind of cringe.

heeee. doesn't have a name. umm...

a lot of stuffs developed between me and him but he's kind of not... the best guy out there ahaha and i feel guilty letting myself fall for him so easily.

i've hurt myself multiple times already in these. romantic situations. i don't know why i ignore these red flags so much.

i bet on losing dogs, chat.

but ough. ooooooouuughhhh my lordt. aaaaaack pulling at my stupid hair again.

chat i will be looking in his eyes when he's down because he has me tied up and dangling from his stupid htx big buckle cowboy belt he wears everywhere. and his stupid hands and his stupid eyes andhow he's so fucking gay and retarded and his stupidly perfect everything and his gigantic fucking ego and his dickheadedness. fawk

liking him makesme realize why liking men is so bad. its so bad its so bad... im so pathetic i fucking hate men.

the other day he was late to picking me up for something because his "tire was flat" and i entirely believed him and still i was very thankful because. i didn't have money for an uber and needed a ride really bad. and he still came through. but the next day he stopped by my house to... i can't remember why honestly he just shows up anyways he confessed that the entire thing was a lie and that i couldn't tell anyone because he lied to our friends too. in reality he was late because he was sick from taking a bar and drinking into the morning the night before. i was ahem visibly upset and i think it made him feel bad because he kept apologizing and told me he "doesn't like lying" and that it was why he had to tell me then.

today (the 25th) he picked me up so i could deposit my money onto my cashapp at cvs and he was sober. and i congratulated him and i bought him a salad.

except when we got back home at my place he *suspiciously* brought up that he needed $5 for tomorrow, suspiciously $5 which is exactly how much a bar cost. and when i asked him if he was going to buy a bar he told me no(with his stupid fucking grin) and when i asked him if he was lying he told me no again(grinning even harder i hate him) and i know i know hes going to be unsober tomorrow and it makes me feel. terrible

this relationship isn't going to turn out good and i can feel it. its why i only consider him a hb but i still really care for him either way.

anyways. i should probably work now chat

goodbye forever.

whore maxxing continued

[3/10/2025]

{edit 3/22/2025: i censored some of this i think i overshared a bit too much}

fine shyt likes me back.

i told him about some guy groping me and i made a big mistake and vented about my. past trauma with men. let myself become vulnerable for a second and it felt terrible until he told me he liked me back,

dating is so fucking dumb and stupid!

i don't want to talk about it anynmmore. GRRRRRRR but i really like him. GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and im pulling at my hair in real life right now typing this and thinking about him and GRRRRRRROWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLL Ineed him to tap already

anyways

i love sexy horses from my little pony.

i remember when liking clop was a funny haha but it wasn't something that is considered morally wrong and fucked up and terrible for society. like you'd be like "oh i'm into pony porn" and all of your friends would be like "wow you're fucking retarded but we love you either way." now it's like "i drew fluttershy in thigh highs" and all of the sudden the gc is hanging you over a fire impaled by a spear in a jungle on an unmapped island.

i started watching clop at a very. very young age and i am aware that creating porn of characters from cartoons is teetering on the good or bad morality scale but i entirely think enjoying your own strange kinks in your own adult spaces is perfectly fine. i was watching mlp clop because i knew what pornhub was as it became so normalized and memed about. i never knew about nsfw forums or nsfw games until literally i turned 18 and started exploring my sexuality. if my mom knew what i was doing and wasn't popping pills while i watched porn at 11 i wouldn't have turned out the way i am now.

i found a game on itch.io about a dragon running around a dog park and secretly plapping everyones dogs, and theres an infestation mechanic where you fuck an anthill and let your dick get infested with ants and then when you nut on the other dog owners it mind controls them and makes them go plap their own dogs. i will not disclose if this game turned me on or not but it was interesting (game is run run dog park fun i recommend it if youre also interested but it is. graphic.)

it just. has me thinking. how far can kink and fantasy go? how far has it already gone? is there a WORST? where do i land on the scale? when does it become dangerous?

kink is strange.

i won't let internet robots and unsatisfied tweenagers tell me that i don't belong here because i've belonged here my entire life

don't let art become watered down and comfortable because it's always been fucked up!

i call it whore maxxing

[3/4/2025]

what the fuck guys come on lets get up and go

last entry was kind of depressing. *whips my hand around to smack february mold in the back of the head.* get it the fuck together faggot!!!

life is going to get. significantly better by the end of february. you have friends now, you have an actual fucking life. you get out like 3 times a week to hang out with friends. what more could you ask for? okay maybe a better paying job and an application for college but other than that its all cool right? right on?

i'm so fucking sexy chat.

ultimate glaze moment but i was cranking it last night and i was completely naked full of sweat and quivering and whimpering and i thought to myself "no one. absolutely no one could make me feel as fucking angelic as i do rn.". because no one can. no one can sit in my head and see myself through my eyes.

i also broke up with my boyfriend. ex boyfriend. we're still friends because secretly in my head i like to sexualize him still but he won't know that until he potentially reads this blog entry.

okay so like i literally just said i broke up with my ex but i immediately... immediately moved onto another guy. AND HES SO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

fuck chat. fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUFJCKFUCKUFINJFBFKJBK

he's the love of my life *loud error buzzer sfx*. and we've beeeeeen getting reeeeaaaaaaaallylllylyy close. GRRRRNHGGGGG

hes so EEEEEEBR R._____ ,j squeal

he could rape me and i wouldn't have an issue with it (WHAT THE FUCK).

i've been letting him come over and feeding him and lowkey he probably knows i fw him but i dont caaaaaaaaaaaare i need someone to spoil...

im so tired of people taking my kindness and happiness away from me. but at the same time i just want to absolutely drown this foo with love and cherish and happy

he is a foo too,,, tattoos,,,, his voice is so deep,, and he road rages in spanish......... GRRROWL hes exactly my fucking type holy shit im gonna kms istg

and he's like my best friend too.

fuck

anyways.......... relationships :3 :thumbsup:

came to the realization that i am. a whore...

i seriously went from being a nerdy, dragon kin, wolf girl, warrior cats roleplayer as a kid to a whoremaxxing, fw-3-people-at-once-but-still-a-virgin, phat ass, nip slipping, bigender slut bag. i love myself

its crazy to me because i manage to balance these two different life styles out. one side im whoremaxxing the other side im an ultimate femcel whos into farts.

anyways this blog entry is finished i love you chat *kisses your tip*

tell me something

[2/7/2025]

i don't really know. anymore. i findmyself saying that a lot.

i'm 21 now whoop thats kind of unbelievable. i didn't ever think it was possible for me to make it past 18.

sometimes i still do feel like i'm just 17 turned over 4 times.

i don't think i've changed. i tell myself i've gotten better but sometimes it's hard to tell if i really have. i'm still stuck.

it's okay for now.

i think i'm becoming more and more unlikable to people.

i think i might be annoying, the odd one out for a reason. you can't call yourself annoying though because that just makes you even more annoying... nothing ever works in human communication.

i've been craving something for a while that even i can't tell what anymore. i just drink and get high and tell myself i'll get sober one day just you watch. i'm unhealthy and only getting unhealthier.

maybe i'm not, i couldn't tell you.

i've become entirely obsessed with the how to train your dragon franchise. something about it is just oozing with the sense of adventure i craved as a kid. idk why my mom never showed it to me as a kid maybe she knew it would've ruined my brain chemistry. or god knew.

not to mention... ahaha.... uhhh... *ahem* sorry i get a little nervous watching the second and third movie lawl,

this little dweeb kind of pisses me off but he reminds me of myself when i was 15

anyways, i'm alive. and i'm in love with another fictional character jesus christ.

please don't worry about me

i'm just not meant for people

[1/28/2025]

chat life is still awesome but in a self-reflective i'm going to keep loving myself kind of way.

free will is awesome because i can literally do whatever i want!

i just don't think people are on the same wavelength as i am, whether i'm below them in some way or above them in some way. maybe i'm just a terrible person, maybe i'm the worst person on earth and that's why i'm so different compared to everyone else. i've been so scared of being a bad person that i can't tell if i'm getting comfortable with my life or if my life is getting better.

i don't care anymore. genuinely. it's the first time i can say that i don't care anymore and actually mean it.

pleasing people has never gotten me anywhere and it's never going to get me anywhere so tell me, WHY HAVE I BEEN WASTING MY TIME? why have i been wasting my time on people who don't care about me? why have i been wasting time on people who have constantly taken advantage of me and my time, why have i still cared so much? i don't even know what i've been trying to find in making friends and having relationships with people. i give up.

last night, i let myself go limp in my bed and ultimately began meditating, but i found it so much harder to stop thinking about everyone elses problems around me. it scares me when i can't turn it off easily. if that makes sense.

it was when i turned 18 that i realized that i'm in my prime when i'm alone. there have only been a couple of people who i've felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable around. it's heart wrenching. it makes me feel sick.

people make me sick.

i make myself feel sick.

sometimes i can't stand myself but god i feel so comfortable in my own skin.

does that even make any sense idk

i'm done hating myself for the things i want. where do i go from here, i don't know, i don't care. i'm going to create. my mind is beautiful and i'm going to live for IT and IT only.

i'm the thickest 76 year old alive :pray:

[1/18/2025]

life is still awesome and i'm doing good besides the fact that i have like NO MONEY AT ALL and work has been STRESSFUL ASF

literally what the fuck even is being an adult in america because holy shit i think i want to die soon. but also it's like... girl whatever sit ur ass down it's not even that big of a deal fucking YOUTUBE and INSTANT RAMEN exist who cares.

everyone is a bad person. i keep getting distracted from typing because i have one of those corny "THIS GUY IS A MAJOR PREDATOR" videos playing in the background but its about the developer of "bad parenting" (an actually really good indie horror game i played from itch.io) and they actually are a bad person and it's just unfair like im so sick of it

i think about all of the bad things i've done, and while everything i had done wasn't anywhere near the predator shit these guys do, it's entertaining to imagine myself in these videos. "MOLDONDOG is a PONY FART LOVING DEGENERATE..."

it's why i made that backup account into a hate account for myself, i know it's like super corny and egotistical of me or whatever according to the two weirdos who dm'ed me about it but i thought it was funny. i fucking love farts sometimes *brap* and it's fun to make fun of myself for it, i don't like to think of it as self deprecating because i do realize it's weird and also funny but its not something i feel the need to change so why bother. who cares? i don't. everything is meaningless!

i'm like super high rn and i can't think of a next topic.

holy shit i forgot to tell you guys i got married to princess celestia!!!!!!!!!

sooo it all started out with a dream...

i was watching a lot of mlp and sometimes i obsess on very minute details or characters or ideas or (especially considering the brony fandom) fanfiction and specifically i fell back down a princess molestia rabbit hole. i created a ton of headcanons and delved into a ton of weird tumblr asks and blogs and fanart that eventually i was thinking about this horse pretty much every day for about 2 weeks.

i think it was also mixed in with nostalgia because when i was younger i very heavily selfshipped with pinkamena, a character who was also kind of problematic especially when you lookat that weird pedophilic version of her from the tumblr ask blog where she kissed scootaloo or whatever the fuck idk i loved it. it was so fucked up now it kind of makes me sick when i look back at it but its nostalgic nonetheless. i had a terrible childhood loooooooooooooooool

edit: rewatching the dub of the ask pinkamena explicitly says it "has to be a platonic kiss because tumblr will get mad at me" but like you can't kiss a child like THIS like it's a normal thing to do lol

i could care less about what lolicons and cub enjoyers do on their freetime but it significantly fucked me up seeing this as a child

anyways i have a lot of fauxcest fantasies about princess celestia which is getting into oversharing territory but i don't care i love her and she is my wife. we got married on december 17th of last year ('24)

i will make art of us once i can push all of these commissions out...

anyways. i think... thats all i have to say for nowwww..... i[m going to goon to princess celestia entries on the popular nsfw furry forum e621 and brony forum derpibooru!

bye

it;s been a loooong day,,,, without you my friend....

[1/13/2025]

guys.. i've.... gotten better. life actually is okay sometimes.

i don't mean to be a super dramatic anime girl rn but lately ive felt emotions. i've loved myself. i stopped interacting with fucking weird ass niggas and started feeling comfortable in my isolation. sometimes... people aren't my thing. it's the dog girls and the aliens on the internet that are my thing.

regarding missouri, i um. restarted. i swear im gonna be 58 by the time its finished. i have so much passion for this project though, and i'm actually renaming it from missouri because the setting in missouri isn't what i'm trying to convey anymore. i want hoko to land in the midst of illinois' strange forests. i remember as a child easily losing myself within those midwestern trees, and i feel having hoko landing in my childhood hometown will be very signifying of my life. missouri, or whatever i plan on naming it next, is about my sense of maturity and learning what life really is. i'm still learning, i don't think you ever do stop learning about life.

ahem... smooth transition. next topic:

chat.... i met a boy....

iiiiii don't know if i had talked to you guys about my... "adjustments" within my sexuality but i have finally started identifying as gaybian. i've always struggled with processing my identity and being criticized for my identity to the point that now i just don't really care anymore. i am gaybian inherently because i am bigender. i am both. i do also identify as bisexual because i think it fits me as well.

anyways the cute guy

i had only started talking to him because i saw he was also subscribed to brad taste in music (so cringey i know im sorry) but after getting to know him i. realy. started liking him.

it made me entirely question my sexuality after identifying as a lesbian for so long and after being scared of men for so long, but he was so comforting. we've already had mishaps between us but after fully communicating through those things we've started making it work.

i also met another person on the internet who i've really gained a liking to. they're a cute trans pokemon nerd and thehy're kind of litereally me, i love them with my entire heart. even if we weren't romantic with each other i feell like our friendship would still be bountiful. i really love them and the time i've spent with them. we actually first met after i watched them play goat simulator lol... (dweeb)(i love you)

it's.... interesting because after leaving people that made me feel fake and crying over friendships that were onesided, and finally learning how to love myself, i've met some really cool people who i kind of feel actually... like me for my personality. i don't feel annoying around either of them. i don't feel weird, i don't feel like i'm hiding some sort of degeneracy or part of my character from them. it's honest. it's mutual. there is no dedication, only love for one another. love doesn't have to be a lifelong dedication. love changes too.

weird tangent sorry.

i think that's all i have to say for now. we'll see where my life is at when i update you next time. thank you for reading this, strange internet dweller. i love you for being unconditionally you.

ill pretend to be normal for a second

[5/22/2024]

this past week has been ABSOLUTE. HELL.

the area i live in texas got hit by a crazy storm and i think a tornado but idk it destroyed peoples houses and knocked the power out. some neighborhoods are still out of power and it's been almost a week now.

my mom also had to go to the hospital so i was taking care of everything all weekend since my little brother is lazy as hell. she's okay though, she's recovering well.

and THEN on top of all of that my job has been completely out of stock on food because people have been without power (no power=no fridge=food bad) and yeah i feel significant knowing i'm feeding these families but god damn the rude customers make me want to fucking die. like jesus christ you're 56 years old and you're bullying a bunch of teenagers and young adults because you're life is fucking sad and depressing. most of the rude customers are stuck up and rich and probably have power but are just there to get an ice cream and it's like if you really wanted an ice cream cone that bad but didn't want to deal with all of the single mothers ordering food for their kids then maayyybeee you should of just bought some shit from the store. go home.

"omg you should be respecting your elders" i don't give a fuck when most of these miserable fucks are the reason why i can't even live paycheck to paycheck. free palestine, stop caring about rich old people.

anyways, life has been pretty hectic but i've been settling down lately.

missouri is going very well, we're only on chapter 3 of part 1 BUT HEY it's nice to kinda... meet my characters in a way? my writing style is so much more mature and developed compared to when i first started writing missouri. it makes me feel very motivated to continue.

does any of that matter though? i ask myself that a lot. i've put so much effort and love and creation into missouri and it still feels so insignificant and miniscule. in my head it's absolutely massive, it takes up my entire life. sometimes missouri is my reason not to kill myself. so in a way, even if it is just a small web series, it's still worth it in the end.

anyways, i think it's time for me to go. this entry was pretty long. keep creating things my lovelies. bark at your mom. captain mold forever.

i'm not depressed anymore

[5/4/2024]

i stopped feeling so weird.

have you guys been keeping up with the whole drake vs kendrick beef? that shit is insane, a significant moment in rap history. it feels really good to see drake get bodied because i've always been a hater. and not only that but hes getting bodied by KENDRICK LAMAR. and kendrick fans just got like what 3 new fire ass songs out of no where. i hope the beef never ends lol

i've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, ironically during the iconic dropping of drakes secret daughter or some shit. anyways it's uhh. weird. sometimes my feelings actually get hurt when i think about my dad. i had to work on easter so he said he "might" come over the day after while i babysat but he never did. sometimes it feels like we'll never truly bond because he was just never a part of my life up until i had to move to texas. which is... weird to me. it took me to be 17 fucking years old and move to texas for him to finally want to be in my life. and it wasn't like he couldn't be a part of my life when i was in illinois it's just that he wasn't. he didn't really care. the last time i talked to him before all of that, i was only 7 or 8 years old. he just stopped visiting me after a while. it was heart-breaking because i loved my dad. i still do love my dad but now i don't really know why. it hurts to admit but i don't really know my dad, or my brothers, or my sisters. i don't know any of the family on this side. when i tried to kill myself last september my mom just threw me to him and it was horrible because it felt like i didn't know any of them. and they were trying to comfort me but i felt like a bother. i can't tell anyone that though.

i see other girls with their dads and i feel a stinging envy in my chest. what if my dad had stayed home in illinois, what if he'd taken care of me and raised me and showed me how a man was supposed to treat me. i don't like blaming him for everything, but things could've turned out so much more differently if he had actually been in my life. i don't really know though.

i don't let myself get too affected by my dad. i won't. i'm happy i'm the person i am today because i'm aware of who my dad really is. he told me i could ask him any questions i wanted to, but i don't need to. i know who he really is. actions have spoken so much louder than any bs excuse he'd give me.

pretty girls hate their dads.

my first ever blog entry :3

[5/2/2024]

making my own neocities has been very fun but i've been terminally hooked to my laptop and it's kind of scary. i just recently got this laptop since it's been a few years since my last one broke, and i knew i'd be on it a lot but now it's like i can't stop thinking about the world wide web when i'm away from it. last night i had a dream that i was trapped inside of the internet and it really scared me. i've been feeling like lain lately, and it's dizzying. it makes my body feel sick. i want to get up and go outside again so i think i'll do that tomorrow before work.

i don't want my first blog entry to be super sad and depressing but that's how i've been feeling these past few days. i'm a pretty lonely person, and now i'm talking to a bunch of code. it's okay though, things will get better. they always do.

i've been obsessed with horror games lately, specifically obscure roblox horror. p.0s demo is a really fascinating roblox horror game that i played last night.

i don't really know what else to talk about here tbh, kind of a bummer first entry but i'll get used to it with time - ~ - ,,

i plan on making an about me webpage next, and then it'll be the MISSOURI hosting site where all of the parts will be uploaded. EXCITED FOR THAT!!!

i don't think anyone is ever gonna care about MISSOURI as much as i do but that's okay too.

anyways, i should probably get some sleep now. my head hurts.

i love you invisible internet people. i've got something good for this world on its way, i promise.