romance

4/13/2025

it's all so strange to me. i think this is what the moon was trying to tell me last night.

i'm doing bad things to myself. i'm doing terrible things to myself when i know i have your attention.

changing something that was already beautiful, beating and tugging and pulling and shaping into something entirely different. so many of you at this point i cant tell what it originally was.

we are two people.

i sit in my room and i adjust my somethings for you. and i sit and i stay and i wait for you to ring. and i unwrap myself, under the influence of you. and i wake up the next morning to another text from you and i remember all of the things i did to myself. i'm absolutely vile, i'm disgusting. im no better than all of the men ive been scared and avoidant of. when you're not looking, i am. i'm a snake, exploring all of your crevices with my eyes. every dip and every turn. i'm vile, im absolutely disgusting.

it's gotten easier for me to play it off. but when will i get tired of lying to you?

redoing all of this

4/9/2025

welcome to the. beginning of my blog.

if you werent aware, this place used to look pretty different. i um. became self conscious again and i had no choice but to reset.

i overshared a little bit too much for my own liking in, what i now call the "2024" era of my blog. that version is now inaccessible but it is archived.

i don't want to sound so dramatic about something so minor but iiiiiiiii can't help but keep changing. i keep changing i cannot stop.

i broke up with my partner. i got really depressed for a while (and i still sort of am) and i kind of came to the realization that i'm not. doing. what i want. and being poly isn't for me. being poly in this way, at least. i want to be single but still fucking with other people and i dont think that's what they wanted in our relationship.

im getting into oversharing territory again but being single feels so much more. relieving. i hate the way standard relationships are built. maybe this is a super duper hot take but relationships between two creatures that love each other shouldn't have so many rules and regulations just for it to work. you're telling me you need a relationship advice tiktoker to figure out how to talk to your girlfriend? break up. please. please just have sex and be friends.

i feel like even the "ideal" polyamorous relationships (or ones that i see that are promoted as "healthy" poly relationships) have gotten so. normie washed. that they've gotten the same restrictions as monogamous relationships. is that dumb?idk maybe it is.

i saw a reel the other day by that one tiktoker/...reeler that is in that meme where it's like "why do all poly people look like this." she's one of the faces that shows up anyways (i really like that meme)

it was under the cotnext of "i just have to make sure all of my partners get equal affection and equal reassurance."which is. okay. but. that's kind of exactly what i don't want in my relationships... is that like really bad? no hate to anyone who is in a poly relationship like these (seriously i love you guys) this is just my relationship with love and attraction. maybe im mentally ill maybe im retarded maybe im both...

i love my princess... i've become sort of unhealthily obsessed with him and if he didn't reciprocate the feelings i would probably be a yandere rn (this is a joke). we're only friends and it's reached full blown situationship territory. but that doesn't disregard my love for anyone else. the need to have equality within all of my partners was just a little bit too much for me i guess. i can't love people i'm a bad person.

i can't find myself dating anyone right now because it feels like whenever i'm in a relationship it's like okay now we move in together and have kids and live forever and die together and then i start getting scared.

with my princess he's already talked about getting a house for himself and owning a barber shop and i'm like yeeessss keep me out of the picture i love thattt

i want to do a lot. a lot that, for most of my partners, they aren't exactly comfortable with. and i'm nooooooooot gonna change myself for anyone.

first it was being a furry, then it was being trans that was a problem, then it was being bigender, so on and so on. i don't think that was the case for my last relationship buuuuut it is the case for a lot.

i just want to love people and be happy. i'm tired of the... standards.