i'm not depressed anymore

[5/4/2024]

i stopped feeling so weird.

have you guys been keeping up with the whole drake vs kendrick beef? that shit is insane, a significant moment in rap history. it feels really good to see drake get bodied because i've always been a hater. and not only that but hes getting bodied by KENDRICK LAMAR. and kendrick fans just got like what 3 new fire ass songs out of no where. i hope the beef never ends lol

i've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, ironically during the iconic dropping of drakes secret daughter or some shit. anyways it's uhh. weird. sometimes my feelings actually get hurt when i think about my dad. i had to work on easter so he said he "might" come over the day after while i babysat but he never did. sometimes it feels like we'll never truly bond because he was just never a part of my life up until i had to move to texas. which is... weird to me. it took me to be 17 fucking years old and move to texas for him to finally want to be in my life. and it wasn't like he couldn't be a part of my life when i was in illinois it's just that he wasn't. he didn't really care. the last time i talked to him before all of that, i was only 7 or 8 years old. he just stopped visiting me after a while. it was heart-breaking because i loved my dad. i still do love my dad but now i don't really know why. it hurts to admit but i don't really know my dad, or my brothers, or my sisters. i don't know any of the family on this side. when i tried to kill myself last september my mom just threw me to him and it was horrible because it felt like i didn't know any of them. and they were trying to comfort me but i felt like a bother. i can't tell anyone that though.

i see other girls with their dads and i feel a stinging envy in my chest. what if my dad had stayed home in illinois, what if he'd taken care of me and raised me and showed me how a man was supposed to treat me. i don't like blaming him for everything, but things could've turned out so much more differently if he had actually been in my life. i don't really know though.

i don't let myself get too affected by my dad. i won't. i'm happy i'm the person i am today because i'm aware of who my dad really is. he told me i could ask him any questions i wanted to, but i don't need to. i know who he really is. actions have spoken so much louder than any bs excuse he'd give me.

pretty girls hate their dads.

my first ever blog entry :3

[5/2/2024]

making my own neocities has been very fun but i've been terminally hooked to my laptop and it's kind of scary. i just recently got this laptop since it's been a few years since my last one broke, and i knew i'd be on it a lot but now it's like i can't stop thinking about the world wide web when i'm away from it. last night i had a dream that i was trapped inside of the internet and it really scared me. i've been feeling like lain lately, and it's dizzying. it makes my body feel sick. i want to get up and go outside again so i think i'll do that tomorrow before work.

i don't want my first blog entry to be super sad and depressing but that's how i've been feeling these past few days. i'm a pretty lonely person, and now i'm talking to a bunch of code. it's okay though, things will get better. they always do.

i've been obsessed with horror games lately, specifically obscure roblox horror. p.0s demo is a really fascinating roblox horror game that i played last night.

i don't really know what else to talk about here tbh, kind of a bummer first entry but i'll get used to it with time - ~ - ,,

i plan on making an about me webpage next, and then it'll be the MISSOURI hosting site where all of the parts will be uploaded. EXCITED FOR THAT!!!

i don't think anyone is ever gonna care about MISSOURI as much as i do but that's okay too.

anyways, i should probably get some sleep now. my head hurts.

i love you invisible internet people. i've got something good for this world on its way, i promise.